One Word 2015

I started thinking of what my word would be for 2015 about Christmas time.  I wrote a bunch of words down and thought about them for a couple of weeks.  One word kept popping out at me.  I kept trying to push it back in, because he seemed to Christmasy.  But, it wouldn't allow it.

My word wanted to be heard.  So "JOY" became my word for 2015.

I was ready to blog about it.  Tell the reasons why I wanted this word to be the word.  I was going to find the JOY in everyday life, everyday decisions.

Then, Monday, January 5th happened and I immediately couldn't find a single reason for JOY.  None.

My sister was diagnosed with Stage 3 Ovarian Cancer, at the beginning of December.  She started her chemo treatment, we were going to fight this together.  She had a doctor's appointment and we asked the statistical question.  Blah, blah, blah.

If she didn't continue with chemo, what was her life expectancy?  

The doctor said, 6 months.  She had a rapidly growing cancer that would attach itself to something else in her abdomen, sometimes the liver.

I hit the wall, didn't see that train coming.

If she did chemo, what was her life expectancy, especially since she had cancer before and was so weak?

The doctor said that not many patients even make it to the 5 year mark. What?????

Hit by another train.  We were both speechless, we knew that it wasn't good, but we didn't expect that answer.

There was no JOY, I couldn't find  a single thing to be JOYFUL about it.  I walked out of the room and lost it at the nurse's station.  Like in a pile in front of the nurse's station.  But, I pulled it together and went back to my sister and carried on.

In the two weeks since that date, both my parents have been in the hospital with pneumonia, my sister was in the hospital to gain her strength, and received blood.  I got bronchitis and I had to go to Colorado to tell my sister's daughter, my niece about the outcome.  It was one of the hardest things I have had to do.  We still haven't told my parents, yet, because they have been so sick.

But, where is the JOY in this - my word seemed like it needed to be changed to FAITH. 

But, I want to find JOY in the everyday.

I want to experience JOY with my sister for the time that she has left.  I want to bring her JOY.  I want her to see the JOY in the world and both of us to be apart of it.  But, how can you find JOY in this horrible disease.

I, guess, I need to find out.

Yesterday

Yesterday, was one of the roughest days I have had.  My sister was diagnosed in early November with cancer... again.  We were shock, it had been 30 years ago. At that time, she was pregnant with her only child.  She had cervical cancer, but because of the pregnancy it spread to her lymph nodes.  The doctors wanted to take the baby.  My sister refused.  After the birth, they immediately started radiation treatment, followed by chemo.  On her first chemo appointment, they overdosed her and she lost her hair in the parking lot. My sister was so sick.  The chemo was awful. They had to knock her out for the other treatments.

Today, that beautiful niece is 30. 

So, when the doctor called in the beginning of November, we ALL felt like we just experienced a horrific car crash.  She had surgery the Tuesday before Thanksgiving to remove her ovaries, tumor and 7 nodules. The doctor said that the tumor was a different looking tumor and that she would have to have some chemo, but we would know more after the pathology report.  They sent it to the Mayo clinic. She hadn't been eating, was depressed - sleeping all day.

Then, we got the call last Tuesday that it was Stage 3 ovarian cancer.  We weren't ready for that news.  But, SHE really wasn't ready for that news.  She has been angry, sad, mad at everyone.  Why her?  Why a second time.  The fear of going through chemo again, was worse than the fear of dying.  

She made a decision to fight through the chemo, still being angry.  I took her to her first chemo,  It took me 2 hours, patiently waiting for her to get ready to get in the car.  When we got to the clinic, we would walk a little to a bench or chair and she would rest, then repeat it until we got to the door.  I hated seeing her hurt this much, but I was holding it together - for her.  We got her all settled into the chair and the wonderful chemo nurse explained all the medicines.

My sister and I held each other's hands and cried when they started the chemo medicine.  

She kept waiting for the side effects, she didn't have any.

She waited to start feeling horrible and throwing up, like the last time - it didn't happen.

When it was over, she said she was starving.  I think the extra fluids helped her.  I got her something to eat on the way home and she ate all of it.  We thought she would get sick, it didn't happen. By the time, we got home (a 2 hour drive) - she said that this chemo was 100 times better than the last time. 

I hope that she did well last night, I will check on her this morning.  We made it through the first step for her healing.