Silence for Sandy Hook

2012 Ornaments

I bought a couple of ornaments the other day, when I went to Beverly Hills for lunch.  My youngest son loves nutcrackers.  I am not sure when or how it started, but his Christmas tree has nutcrackers all over it.  My mom and I have been getting them for a while now.  I saw these ornaments in Crate and Barrel and knew that I needed to get one for him and his newborn son.  He was so excited when he saw them.  All of his nutcrackers have color, so these were very different from the other ornaments.  I wasn't sure that he would like them - but he did.  I think he was more touched that I got one for his son, too.

I found these glittery initial ornaments in Pottery Barn.  I was able to get one for each of the grand kids, plus the new twins.  I wish I knew what my niece's baby is going to be named - I would have gotten one for her too.  These will go on my grand kids' tree.

I, really, want to make some ornaments today - but this cold/flu is kicking my rear.  So it probably won't happen.  I don't want to start something to today and not be able to finish it.

Christmas Tree Crazy

I love Christmas.  I love the music, the feelings, the cookies, the lights and the decorations.  I love to decorate my house.  In the past, I have decorated 15 trees in my house.  One or two trees in every room, with a theme.  My boys, nieces and grand kids each had their own tree theme.  I would start decorating in November, during my break.  One room a day approach.  Every year, I would get an idea for a different tree and so I would start decorating a new tree before Christmas.  Unfortunately, I haven't decorated like that in 4 years - with health issues and not being around for my November break.  I think, as the boys got older they didn't like it as much either.  I, really, miss it.

The tree farm started when my youngest son was little.  We put up a big tree in the living room, with all my Hallmark ornaments and the ornaments that the boys had made.  That Christmas, my husband and I had the flu and were spending most of the time in the family room, laying on the couch - with no tree.  So, I went to the store and got a small tree that we decorated with things from around the house.  I loved that tree. 

I remembered that my grandmother's tree had felt ornaments on it.  I called it the "tacky tree".  The ornaments were old and falling apart.  I wish I had those ornaments today.  So, the day after Christmas that year, I went looking for kits to make those ornaments.  I wanted ornaments just like my Grandma.  I bought a few kits that year, then continued to add to the collection of kits.  I haven't made any of those ornaments yet.

The trees just started to grow each year after that.  My youngest son loves nutcrackers, so he wanted a nutcracker tree.  He would fall asleep with the tree lights on - the timer shut them off.  Now, that he has his own son he asked if next year I would put the trees up.  He told me how much he loved Christmas in our house with all the decorations.  This year, I will put up one tree, just for my grand kids.

Making a List

Sometimes I am a list maker, I didn't use to be.  But, with old age setting in I forget things easily - or my  hubby says I am trying to do way too much.  It is an old habit which is very hard to break. 

I broke my list up to places to go, things to do, pictures I need to take or work on and what I need to get at the store.  There is no food on the list.  I cooked the whole month hubby was home and now, I can't think of a single thing I want to make.  It doesn't help that I was feeling sick all week.  Now, the key thing with the list idea is that I need to remember to take it when I run all my errands today, on a Saturday.  Instead of playing with the Kiwi or my sewing machine.  I did add some creative fun on the list, but I have to get the errands finished first.

Tomorrow, I will be going to a wine luncheon tasting with Jen.  She goes every year and I can never make it for some reason.  I hope my stomach calms down so I can, actually enjoy it.  It is a wine pairing lunch, I will blog more about it tomorrow.

Ok, going to check my list twice and see what I can cross off before the stores open up or maybe I will get another cup of coffee, first.

Lucky Girl

I got to spend a few minutes with my 5 week old grand son this morning, before heading to work.  He was awake so I went to see him while they were changing his diaper.  He HATES having his diaper changed, but this morning he wasn't screaming.  I started talking to him and he gave me two of the biggest smiles.  I didn't think it could get better than that - I was wrong.  He started cooing at me.  All, during the diaper change.

I am one lucky girl to be sent out the door in the rain with smiles and coos from a 5 week old.  Heaven.

Heading back

I am heading back to work today, after having the month off.  I have been awake since 2 AM.  My mind can't calm down, spinning.  Not wanting to leave the sleeping grand baby upstairs.  Not wanting to leave the hubby who returns to Hawaii tomorrow.  Not wanting to go back to work because of one of the people I work with - she can be difficult.  The two people that I get along with the best, will be gone for the next 3 weeks.  They are my support system, since hubby is gone.  They are my partners in crime, the girls that I laugh and cry with.  The girls that make we want to get up and go to work, except for my kiddos.  We stay way too late at work - having fun and planning.  It is their turn to enjoy a break.  So I am very, very sad - like panic attack sad.

This week is busy - filled with lots to do at work and at home.  My evenings are filled, poor planning on my part.  But, the week should go by fast and I will collapse on Saturday.  Three weeks until I see my husband again.  The weeks should go by fast, I hope.

First Photo Shoot

My grand son turned a month old yesterday and I, really, wanted to do a photo shoot.  He was a complete angel the whole 20 minutes that I was taking his picture.  This is the picture I wanted to take, I saw it on Pinterest.  A picture each month.

The boys painted a chalkboard wall in my dining room, just so I could take these pictures.

He loves his hands and they are, usually, by his face.

What I didn't expect to get, was the picture below.  I started talking to him, he was looking right at me.  He gave me a smile and started cooing.  I pressed down on the camera shutter and took 3 of the most adorable pictures of him.  It was pure luck, I didn't plan on taking a picture - I didn't know my camera was focused on him.  I started crying, he looked at his mom and was trying to figure out why we were so excited.  I am so glad that I had the camera in my hand.

This is, definitely my favorite photo of him.  I love, love being a Grandma - I highly recommend it.

"Everything happens for a reason" - author unknown

I, truly, believe this quote.  I don't always know why, at the time - something is happening, why it is going a certain way.  But, over time it becomes clear. It might not be the way I want it to go. 

Right now, there are some changes with my career, my day job.  I just need to be patient and see where it leads me. 

Right now - November

Right now, I love holding my grand son, watching him sleep.

Right now, I am happy I have the time to create things before I go back to school.

Right now, I am so happy that hubby is home for the month with us and the new grand baby.  We are having lots of dates.  I love that he is in the kitchen making soup, right now.

Right now, I love hearing the rain outside my window - knowing that I can stay home and not be inside with kids wanting to play in it.

Right now, I need to work on my Christmas shopping list.  I have two presents ready to go, a bunch more to get.

Right now, I am happy.

Simple

I am looking for a simpler life, one without all the baggage.  A life created by me, just for me.  I know it is out there.  I just need to create it.  I am a creative thinker.  I love looking at things and saying "I can do that".  My mind craves creativity - it needs to plan things out.  I don't always get them done, but I think I enjoy the planning part the best.

I am crazy for color, which would explain why I have so much fabric and yarn.  I don't always make things with them, but I love, love looking at them.  Right now, I have a stack of yellow, gray, black and white fabric on my table.  It makes me REALLY HAPPY.  I am not a yellow person, so it was strange that I would be drawn to this color.  I think it was the gray in the fabric.  I am thinking that I am going to make a diaper bag, receiving blanket and a car cover for Kiwi - that is mine to use.  I just need to cut into the fabric, which is the biggest step.

I am crazy for polka dots and most recently chevron stripes.  Can you say happiness????

Mornings

"the early bird catches the worm" - author unknown

Mornings have become my favorite time of the day.  The house is quiet, everyone is asleep.  The house has been cooled down from the evening - so in summer it is perfect.  In the winter, I can put on slippers and a sweatshirt.  I am, usually, up moving by 3:30.  Sometimes, I will sleep in until 5.  I can't wait for that first cup of coffee, the smell, the first yummy taste in my favorite mug.

When my husband was still working I would get up early to get the coffee started, get his lunch and breakfast together and send him out the door by 4:15.  His favorite coffee cups are my grandma's Jadeite mugs that she gave him.  She had them for years and he would always drink out of them when we visited the ranch.

Then it was my time to study for school, while the boys were still sleeping.  The only noises were the kids sleeping and the creaks in the house.  I finished school, went back to work, still made hubby his coffee and then I became creative.  It was my time to work on a creative project because I was so exhausted when I got home from work.  These days it is just me in the morning, since hubby lives in Hawaii, but it has been nice having him home, returning to an old routine.  It feels familar.

I love being able to sit at my craft table or dining room table watching the sun rise outside my windows.  It is so peaceful - it is bliss.

Veterans' Day

This flag means a lot to my family.  We are a military family.

My father served in the Navy during Korea.  My brother is still in the Army and will retire within the next year.  My great uncle died serving his country during Pearl Harbor.  My son's best friend was killed in Iraq 4 years ago when is youngest daughter was only 5 weeks old.  My husband has friends that served during Vietnam.  I, also, have friends that have been or are  in the military.   I am proud that I live in this country. 

I would like to honor and thank all of the military service people and especially, their families.  Thank you for doing your job every day to protect my family.  You make this country better because of your sacrifice.

Make over and a date

I love, love my new blog designed by Barb at Ruby Slippers Blog Designs.  She always does a great job and is the only person that I trust.  I look at my new blog and it makes me so happy.  Like hearing birds chirp happy.

Yesterday, I had a date day with my hubby - which we never get to do - since he lives in another state and hasn't been home in a year.  We had a great time.  We started with lunch, some shopping and then dinner at one of our favorite Hawaiian restaurants.  He started feeling guilty about spending money.  My response to him was "in two weeks you are leaving, then I go back to working long hours with no break.  I don't have anyone to spend my time with.  So I don't feel guilty for doing this".  He agreed. 

We live two separate lives right now and we only get 3 separate months a year.  I don't want to spend the time we do have together - not enjoying life together.  It is time that we can't get back, but we can enjoy each other's company when we are together.

Rainy weather

I love rainy weather, when I can stay inside and craft.  I am not a big fan of it at work.  The rain soothes my soul, it relaxes me.  My mind gets more creative with the rain.  It rains a lot in Hilo when I visit, but I just sit on the patio and work on quilting or feathers.  Hubby isn't very fond of the rain anymore - since he is an outdoor kinda of guy.  I am looking outside the window and there are big puffy gray clouds.  So relaxing.

Ton of bricks

It hit me "like a ton of bricks" about 30 minutes after I posted yesterday's sob story.  I figured out what I wanted, what I needed.  I want and need my life to be simpler and I believe I figured out how to accomplish it.

First, the fantastic Barb is making this blog all pretty.  Second, I am going through my stuff and getting rid of some of it or finding a new use for a lot of it - stay turned to that.  My mind is spinning with possibilities, but good possibilities.  Time to use what I have and not to buy anything new for awhile.  Third, I am working towards retiring early.  It might not be this school year, but by next school year I will be done.  I figured out how to do it and it is going to take a little bit of work to accomplish it - but I can do it.  I want to spend more time with the grand babies.  Not sure if my husband will be moving back this June or next, but I want to spend more time with him.

I feel good about this decision.  My kids and hubby want me to retire - so I will stay healthy.  It is time and I have a plan - it feels really good.

Still fighting

I am still fighting the battle that is going on in my head.  The decisions that need to be made. 

I am enjoying the time off.  I would like this to be my life.  I miss a couple of the girls that I work with.  I am enjoying cooking, again.  I haven't wanted to do that for a long time.  I would like to try some of the receipes that I have collected by watching the cooking shows.  Why, does everything look so yummy.

I am trying to find some time to be creative, but with hubby home visiting it has been hard.  He should be golfing this afternoon with our son - so hopefully I will be able to get something done.  If I would just put the grand baby down, lol.  He is adorable.  I could just look at him for hours.

Picture update

I, finally, updated my picture wall.  I love this wall.  I had left my computer in Hawaii and the template for the pictures was on that computer. I put a bunch of the baby on the wall.  I can't believe that he is already 13 days old.  He has changed so much.  I am loving his expressions, love to watch him sleep.

This is the first thing that I see when I walk downstairs in the morning and the last thing that I see.  It makes me happy.  The pictures do hang straight on the wall, but they got a little distorted when I took the picture. 

I, think, we are going to the beach - since it is warm - to take a couple of pictures of the grand baby today.  We will, probably, show him off at daddy's work.

I am still having major anxiety of what to do.  I feel like it is time for a change, but not sure what to do.  It is starting to cripple me - physically and emotionally.  I really need it to stop.  I am in so much pain because of it.  It is so hard to work with a difficult person.  I try and move pass it, but I can't. I have the positive attitude when I get there - to just be there with my kids.  Then, she does something and says something that is so unprofessional.  It bothers me.  It ruins my day.  Maybe I need to change schools, but I don't want to leave my friends and parents that I love because of one person.  I need to release that control.

So much to do

I have so much to do.  The list is a mile long or maybe two.  But all I want to do is hold this beautiful bundle.

My beautiful grand son, born a week ago.  I, seriously, can't get enough of him.  Lucky for me - his parents share and I am loving the fact that he is living with us right now.  It makes me want to buy some property and build houses on it for all my kids and grand kids to live in - close to me.  Close enough to snuggle, kiss and just admire.  But, when they get cranky - I can send them home. 

He is what makes life so wonderful.

Fear

Sometimes fear is overwhelming.  If I could just get past the fear of something - I would be a better person, get more accomplished.  But, it is so scary that it stops me in my tracks. 

There is the fear of money - not having enough.  Wondering if I go with the life I truly want - where will I get the money to live and survive.  Will the bills get paid?  What if something happens or breaks, then what do I do?

The fear of failing.  Trying hard to create new things.  Not knowing how to do it or where to find out - how to do it.  Then failing.  So why even try.

The fear of dying.  Being worried that I won't be able to see my grand children grow up because of my health.  The life that I am living, my job is crippling me.  I keep plugging along because it is security, but hurting every day - the painful hurt.  Doing more damage to my body.

The fear of not being good enough.  The emotional fear of never being good enough for anyone or even myself.  The baggage that I let live in my head.  The baggage that I have a fear of getting rid of.

The fear of judgement.  No matter what I do, I feel like I am going to be judged by someone.  Why should their opinion matter? Even the opinion of strangers.  I am better than that.

I need to get rid of the fear that is ruining the life.  I am worth it.

Money

or the lack of.  I have a job that takes care of my basic needs and then some.  But, it is getting harder to do the job that I went to school for.  The job that I use to love, I don't love as much anymore.  The money is good, but why does money have to run our thoughts and our decisions.  I wish that it wasn't so important and the decisions that I need to make would be easier.  Is the fear of not having any money holding me back?  Is this fear keeping me of having the life that I truly want to have.  I need to find some peace about it.

Heart

My heart has been aching for something different.  My heart knows what I want to do, but my head is telling me that I can't.  That I shouldn't do it, yet.  So I am constantly fighting a battle.  I love parts of my day job, but there are a lot of parts that I hate.  Like bitter hate.  Unfortunately, the hates are starting to wear me down.  My blood pressure is going up because of the stress.  It is a battle that I don't think I am winning and it scares me, a lot.  I have a break from work in two weeks, so I will see if it makes a difference in my health and if it does - then I think the decision has been made for me.  I will be home this break, instead of Hawaii - so I should be able to tell.

Fast

I don't understand why the weekend goes by so fast.  I did get Mr. K's first beanie finished and started him a gray one.  I was able to find the dining room and part of the kitchen.  The living room is still buried under mounds of baby presents for the kids.  I hope that they can find a place for all of it in the next few days.  Baby K is due in one week- I know his mommy his ready.  So is this grandma, but I know that nothing is going to get done at the house after he comes - so I hope everyone cooperates and gets this mess cleaned up.

Yesterday

I spent a good part of the day - cleaning the dining room or actually finding it.  It felt good getting rid of the junk and keeping the stuff I will actually use someday.  Wanting to switch the dining room with the living room and creating that chalkboard wall for photo shoots.  It is getting me excited to create something, even if it is with paint on a wall.  Hoping that this one wall will change the outlook of the chaos in my life at the time.  The messes that have taken over the house.  All because of one wall.  We will see.  I hope it changes my world.

Soul Wishes

This is the blog for my creative side.  My wishes.  My dreams.  My soul.  I am on a journey to be creative and document my ideas.  A place to let the stress out of my soul.  A place just for me.  Since, I had the scare with my eye and blood pressure - I need to release things.  I am tired of being stressed.  So this will be good for my soul.  Good for me.