Head Spinning

My head is spinning with trying to work out the details of retirement.  I, really, want to retire this year, but I am scared about the loss of the money.  The economy is not in great shape.  I was able to stay home with the kids when they were growing up and sell my crafts.  But it scares me about doing that again.  I have no regrets about going to school and getting my degrees. 

I love teaching, but it is changing and that scares me.  I am worried that they are not looking at the child, but looking at tests scores.  This year, I had 5 more kids in my class.  It is hard to take care of all of their individual needs.  I want to so badly, but there isn't enough time.  I feel guilty.  I started teaching because I didn't want a child to fall through the cracks.  I don't feel like I can meet the needs of 29 kids, but I want to - I am making myself sick trying too.

I am sick more and I am having more issues with my fibro.  I have a co-worker that thinks differently than most people, that makes it hard.  I am excited to see my kids and then as soon as I get to school, there are issues with her. 

We took a big cut when hubby retired to go back to Hawaii to take care of his mom.  It has taken, almost 2 years for me to figure it out.  I will be taking the exact same pay cut he did, but his retirement is more than mine - since I haven't been teaching as long.  My boys, really, want me to retire.  One of them has had to put me in bed some nights because I can't walk up the stairs - I hurt so much.  They want me around for my grand kids.

I am on break this month and I have meal planned every week - even cooked.  I was shocked at the amount that we have been spending at the grocery store, but I know it is less that I would have spent eating out every night, because I was too tired too cook or didn't have anything in the house to cook.

I think I am just scared, because once I make this decision - I can't go back.

Fear

Sometimes fear is overwhelming.  If I could just get past the fear of something - I would be a better person, get more accomplished.  But, it is so scary that it stops me in my tracks. 

There is the fear of money - not having enough.  Wondering if I go with the life I truly want - where will I get the money to live and survive.  Will the bills get paid?  What if something happens or breaks, then what do I do?

The fear of failing.  Trying hard to create new things.  Not knowing how to do it or where to find out - how to do it.  Then failing.  So why even try.

The fear of dying.  Being worried that I won't be able to see my grand children grow up because of my health.  The life that I am living, my job is crippling me.  I keep plugging along because it is security, but hurting every day - the painful hurt.  Doing more damage to my body.

The fear of not being good enough.  The emotional fear of never being good enough for anyone or even myself.  The baggage that I let live in my head.  The baggage that I have a fear of getting rid of.

The fear of judgement.  No matter what I do, I feel like I am going to be judged by someone.  Why should their opinion matter? Even the opinion of strangers.  I am better than that.

I need to get rid of the fear that is ruining the life.  I am worth it.