Sometimes fear is overwhelming. If I could just get past the fear of something - I would be a better person, get more accomplished. But, it is so scary that it stops me in my tracks.
There is the fear of money - not having enough. Wondering if I go with the life I truly want - where will I get the money to live and survive. Will the bills get paid? What if something happens or breaks, then what do I do?
The fear of failing. Trying hard to create new things. Not knowing how to do it or where to find out - how to do it. Then failing. So why even try.
The fear of dying. Being worried that I won't be able to see my grand children grow up because of my health. The life that I am living, my job is crippling me. I keep plugging along because it is security, but hurting every day - the painful hurt. Doing more damage to my body.
The fear of not being good enough. The emotional fear of never being good enough for anyone or even myself. The baggage that I let live in my head. The baggage that I have a fear of getting rid of.
The fear of judgement. No matter what I do, I feel like I am going to be judged by someone. Why should their opinion matter? Even the opinion of strangers. I am better than that.
I need to get rid of the fear that is ruining the life. I am worth it.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
or the lack of. I have a job that takes care of my basic needs and then some. But, it is getting harder to do the job that I went to school for. The job that I use to love, I don't love as much anymore. The money is good, but why does money have to run our thoughts and our decisions. I wish that it wasn't so important and the decisions that I need to make would be easier. Is the fear of not having any money holding me back? Is this fear keeping me of having the life that I truly want to have. I need to find some peace about it.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
My heart has been aching for something different. My heart knows what I want to do, but my head is telling me that I can't. That I shouldn't do it, yet. So I am constantly fighting a battle. I love parts of my day job, but there are a lot of parts that I hate. Like bitter hate. Unfortunately, the hates are starting to wear me down. My blood pressure is going up because of the stress. It is a battle that I don't think I am winning and it scares me, a lot. I have a break from work in two weeks, so I will see if it makes a difference in my health and if it does - then I think the decision has been made for me. I will be home this break, instead of Hawaii - so I should be able to tell.
Monday, October 8, 2012
I don't understand why the weekend goes by so fast. I did get Mr. K's first beanie finished and started him a gray one. I was able to find the dining room and part of the kitchen. The living room is still buried under mounds of baby presents for the kids. I hope that they can find a place for all of it in the next few days. Baby K is due in one week- I know his mommy his ready. So is this grandma, but I know that nothing is going to get done at the house after he comes - so I hope everyone cooperates and gets this mess cleaned up.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I spent a good part of the day - cleaning the dining room or actually finding it. It felt good getting rid of the junk and keeping the stuff I will actually use someday. Wanting to switch the dining room with the living room and creating that chalkboard wall for photo shoots. It is getting me excited to create something, even if it is with paint on a wall. Hoping that this one wall will change the outlook of the chaos in my life at the time. The messes that have taken over the house. All because of one wall. We will see. I hope it changes my world.
Friday, October 5, 2012
This is the blog for my creative side. My wishes. My dreams. My soul. I am on a journey to be creative and document my ideas. A place to let the stress out of my soul. A place just for me. Since, I had the scare with my eye and blood pressure - I need to release things. I am tired of being stressed. So this will be good for my soul. Good for me.